Advice for Expecting Parents/Fathers

A January 2026 Update here. Read first!

A Brief Lesson in Parenting: All You Need Is Love Minus Chronic Stress

There are only three things people need to know about parenting:

1. Love your child.
   
2. Avoid abuse.
3. Avoid poverty.

Give your child lots of love. They won't overdose. Loving your child will have different meanings as they get older, but don't worry about holding or showing a baby/toddler too much love.

Parents have a lot of control over their offsprings' environment. Most of those choices won't be very consequential. If you look at what messes kids up, it's the effects and stresses of abuse and poverty. As a parent you need to love your children; prevent them from suffering abuse; and do your best to avoid the stressors of poverty.

Fuck Parenting Advice

In case you couldn't tell, I don't value parenting advice, especially unsolicited parenting advice, especially especially unsolicited parenting advice from people without children. Parenting is not a science. There were some real experiments with raising children prior to modern ethics in research, spoiler warning, they're tragically depressing. So if and when someone suggests or gives you a parenting book, just smile, say thank you, and feel free to ignore. Parenting books are either theory based or anecdotal. Both may or may not apply to you and or your family. What worked for someone else may or not work for others.

If you personally want a certain structure, I would amend my advice. Parenting books can be useful for giving ideas. Big surprise, I found parenting books to be a waste of time.

For evidence based parenting choices, Emily Oster. I subscribe to her parenting newsletter, Parent Data. She has at least a couple books and I would recommend her if you must have a parenting book. Or if you want to learn about choices parents need to make, like drinking coffee/alcohol while pregnant/beast feeding, using formula, babies sleeping with parents. Oster is all about risk analysis and encouraging people to make the best choices for their families. Oster is an economist, so she analyzes the available data and studies it like an economist.

Feelings

Any feelings or lack of feelings are normal and fine. It's okay to not like being a parent, just love your offspring, don't abuse them, and, if possible, don't be poor.

I have a theory, untested and solely based on my experiences with myself and other fathers, that fatherhood being the greatest experience know to man is a false consensus. I'd bet many men would confide in privacy that fatherhood is less desirable than they publicly announce.

I'll admit that my opinions could very likely change. But to make a financial analogy, I'm still waiting for the return on my investment.

I could make this into a long rant itself, but whatever you're feeling or not feeling is fine. You'll love your kids and be a great parent.

The First Few Months

The first weeks were a blur. One of the only things I remember was how amazing going back to work was. I felt bad because my wife didn't have a work to go back to, but the break away from home was incredible.

Take all the help you can. We had my in-laws within an hour drive and my mother came to spend 2-3 weeks with us a couple times. Having help was the best. Even little things like cleaning the house or cooking a pot of food made everything else easier.

If you don't have family helping and or you can afford it, hire help. Help helps. If the stress is building and there are things you can outsource, hire someone to help.

Be Prepared

For the most part, babies only cry for a couple reasons. You'll figure that out real quick. But sometimes the baby will cry and nothing you do will help. That's normal and depending of the baby it will vary in frequency and duration.

I would have avoided some terrible experiences if I was mentally prepared for times when I was stressed, tired, hungry, upset about something else, etc and my daughter was having a bad fit. This will happen. It's frustrating. And frustration can easily rub off and extend the episode. Be prepared for how to handle these moments calmly and patiently. Think about how you would like to respond. Think about how you might naturally respond. Think about how you can trick yourself into doing your preferred response instead of your natural response.

The crying fits got worse for me as my daughter got older. After 2 years old, I lost my cool a few times. I do a lot better now because I'm learning from my mistakes and thinking about triggers and indicators to look for and expect. Not surprisingly, all of my worst parenting performances occurred when I was watching my child alone. Anticipate and prepare for unideal circumstances and practice handling the situations smoothly. Unideal circumstances will become a lot more regular with a child.

One morning your kid will ask for something unexpected for breakfast and you'll say no. You'll probably be running a little late for work, the dog will need to go to the bathroom, and you'll be in the middle of sending a message. Next thing you'll know, the the kid will freak out like someone is sawing their leg off with a butter knife. What do you do? That is one of many situations you can practice preparing to encounter. Another spoiler, yelling and getting visibly frustrated doesn't help the situation.

Your Parents Are The Default Parents.

Continuing with being prepared, most people learn how to parent from their parents and close relatives. I find myself parenting like my parents more than I'd prefer, not a compliment.

I find myself losing my patients like my dad, and I find myself antagonizing my whining daughter like my mom. I know both of these are poor strategies. But in the moment, I just default to my parents too often. Consider what your parents did well and poorly. You might find yourself being more like them than you expected.

Conclusion

I've already far surpassed my advice rule. Nothing ground breaking. You're going to be fine. Parenting is more exhausting than hard. I focus on the negative because the positives don't need advice. It's easy to enjoy the positives. If you want to wash my recommendations down with positives, test out my theory and ask some father in public! But the negatives can create more negativity. The negatives compound more than the positives, and many negative experiences could be minimized or prevented with mindfulness.

Top Resources

• The Data-Driven Guide to Sane Parenting (interview)
  
• Expecting Better: Why the Conventional Pregnancy Wisdom is Wrong - and What You Really Need to Know (book, if you must)
  
• Cribsheet: A Data-Driven Guide to Better, More Relaxed Parenting, from Birth to Preschool (book, if you must)
• Scientific Secrets for Raising Kids Who Thrive (college course lectures)
  
• The Coddling of the American Mind (book, but not on parenting)
  

CBT Reflection #1

I wrote this Feb 2021. I planned to complete this and use it as a form of self help therapy. I never formally followed through with my plan outlined in my original post. A couple days ago, I saw a friend's facebook post. I thought my friend might benefit from CBT, so I shared my original post with him. Now I realized I never followed through. So here I go.

CBT Reflection #1: What brought you here?

Chance and mild depression brought me to CBT. If it wasn't for a friend recommending me a book, I might not have thought or considered my sagging mental health. So awareness was a key. Since my depression was mild, I may have not noticed or connected my symptoms. I'm a person who tends to keep my feelings to myself. I love to argue, discuss, and talk, but when asked how I'm doing I naturally say good or okay regardless of how I actually feel. Now as i get older, better educated, and more aware, I see the mental health benefits from being open and more expressive. This is another way for me to have an expressive outlet.

So chance or luck initially brought me here.

After studying CBT, I see cognitive distortions everywhere. My friends, books and media I ingest, especially weekly to hourly news, social media are all flooding with cognitive distortions. I typically keep them to myself and speculate the amount of suffering and damage caused by negative thinking that doesn't have to be negative.

This is a weak reflection, but it's good enough. It's also past midnight now and a little girl will be waking me up in a few hours.

“The Man Devoured by Ogres”

I love this story! I just referenced it for a friend. So I figured I'd post here for easier access to share in the future. I may or may not of revised the text. I can't recall. I used it as a piece of literature teaching identity. Below is the text I'd shared.

I got the story and text from The Man Who Wasn't There by Anil Ananthaswamy. He is one of my favorite non-fiction authors, and I look forward to reading whatever he writes next.

An allegory about a man who was devoured by ogres first appears in an ancient Indian Buddhist text of the Madhyamika (the middle-way) tradition. It dates from sometime between 150 and 250 CE and is a somewhat gruesome illustration of the Buddhist notion of the true nature of the self.

“The Man Devoured by Ogres”

A man on a long journey to a distant land finds a deserted house and decides to rest there for the night. At midnight, an ogre enters carrying a corpse. He sets the corpse down next to the man. Soon, another ogre in pursuit of the first arrives at the deserted house. The two ogres begin bickering over the corpse. Each claims to have brought the dead man to the house and wants ownership of it. Unable to resolve their dispute, they turn to the man who saw them come in, and ask him to adjudicate. They want an answer. Who brought the corpse to the house?

The man, realizing the futility of lying to the ogres—for if one won’t kill him, the other one will—tells the truth: the first ogre came with the corpse, he says. The angry second ogre retaliates by ripping off the man’s arm. (What ensues gives the allegory its macabre twist.) The first ogre immediately detaches an arm from the corpse and attaches it to the man. And so it goes: the second ogre rips a body part off the man; the first ogre replaces it by taking the same body part from the corpse and attaching it to the man. They end up swapping everything—arms, legs, the torso, and even the head. Finally, the two ogres make a meal of the corpse, wipe their mouths clean, and leave.

The man, whom the ogres have left behind, is extremely disturbed. He is left pondering what he has witnessed. The body that he was born in has been eaten by the ogres. His body now is made up of body parts of someone else entirely. Does he now have a body or doesn’t he? If the answer is yes, is it his body or someone else’s? If the answer is no, then what is he to make of the body that he can see?

The next morning, the man sets off on the road, in a state of utter confusion. He finally meets a group of Buddhist monks. He has a burning question for them: does he exist or does he not? The monks throw the question back at him: who are you? The man is not sure how to answer the question. He’s not sure he’s even a person, he says—and tells the monks of his harrowing encounter with the ogres.

Why CBT?

My Personal Journey into CBT

A close friend recommended The Coddling of the American Mind. It is well worth reading. It gives interesting analysis regarding society and more specifically young/younger people who grew up with the internet and social media. Click here for my book review.

Coddling had a chapter on CBT. After that chapter, I noticed how negative and distorted my thoughts are. That lead me to the book Feeling Good which lead me to other CBT resources.

The shortish version, I took a depression test, Burns Depression Checklist, which Feeling Good referenced. I ranked mildly depressed. A few days ago, I retested and scored normal but unhappy (that's an improvement! haha). There are several variables that I cannot isolate to explain my improved mental health. For example, I went on vacation to Oregon and California; I spent lots time with family and friends; I enjoyed sunny 70 degree days; I reflected on the negative thinking I observed from myself and friends; and I learned about CBT. So it is impossible to say what caused what, but I consider the learning and thinking about CBT useful. Now I would like to formally follow the CBT guidelines and process to see if it can further help.

I'm creating a series of writing prompts and activities to act as a workbook. Then I plan to discuss the ideas I write about with a friend, who may or may not know my purpose. The writing and talking will be my pseudo therapist. I'll continue to monitor my depression and see how it goes. At the bottom I shared free resources I found. The references are the books I've read that taught me what I know about CBT.

Why CBT?

• It's scientific and empirical.
• Studies suggest CBT can be as effective or more effective than leading medications to treat many mental illnesses (along with conflicting evidence and criticism of results).
• It's training for your mind.
• Subjects/participants can be their own therapist.
• Self help helps.
• Anyone can benefit.
  

Assumptions in CBT

• People see reality subjectively.
• Thoughts, emotions, behavior, and autonomic responses are all interconnected.
• Brains can be trained.
• Cognitive distortions lead to negative mental health.
  
  

Disclaimer and Criticism

Every book or talk shares some version of this disclaimer. I doubt anyone expects a blog post from a blog with the word rant in it to solve all their problems in life, but just in case. This blog post and or any resources I share are not a substitutes or replacements for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment of mental health conditions.

CBT is not a cure all treatment. CBT is a useful process that has helped many people treat many mental health conditions.

Although CBT has decades of research supporting it, there is conflicting evidence and plenty of criticisms against the findings of CBT. The wiki criticisms is a good place to start if you want to question CBT. There aren't double blind controlled studies of CBT, so it is difficult to identify why or how effective CBT is compared to other treatments. With that in mind, CBT can be useful if people accept the assumptions and follow the process, aka put in the work. Some people may put in the work and not benefit, and that's how treatments go.

Statistically speaking, CBT is way better than nothing. So if you're unhappy and not actively doing anything, keep reading. CBT could be a great starting point. It's also a great alternative to medications.

CBT The Basics

In one sentence, CBT is an intervention to improve mental health. It evolved from psychotherapy, behavioral psychology, and cognitive psychology. CBT is related to mindfulness and shares philosophical ideas with stoic philosophy. Over 2000 years ago, Epicteus said, "People are not disturbed by things, but by the view they take of them." For the last four hundred years, Hamlet (Shakespeare) has been telling audiences, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Those are also decent one sentence summaries of CBT. CBT's ideas are not new. Connecting the ideas of psychology and philosophy with the scientific method to measure a therapies effectiveness is what CBT brings to the stage. For decades CBT has been a leading practice in psychology and mental health.

"Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has its own ideology—its own preferences. It’s grounded in Western empiricism, the value of rationality, [and] the power of the scientific method. It’s not saying that emotions or passions are bad or wrong. It’s really about striking a balance between rationality and passion or emotion." [4] CBT is "built on a solid foundation of neurological and behavioral research. CBT is an approach almost anyone can use for promoting greater mental health and improving one’s quality of life." [4] By focusing on thoughts and behavior, CBT "trains brains to improve motivation, management of emotions, and our interpersonal skills." [4]

The assumptions are people have subjective responses to reality and that thoughts, emotions, and behavior are all connected. The main idea is that thoughts, behavior, and feelings effect each other and by changing one you change the others. The two models below capture the relationships best.


One critical aspect of thoughts are identifying cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are exaggerated or irrational thinking that lead to mental health issues. Everyone should learn the cognitive distortions and try to avoid them. (Cognitive distortions are my favorite concept in CBT)

During the therapy sessions, the CBT therapist provides and teaches multiple tools and skills for patients to use. The therapist tracks and measures the progress. CBT is an empirical study of what works and doesn't work. The therapist and patient work together to find what makes the patient feel better, good, or less bad. "One coping behavior is not necessarily better than the other. It depends on what needs to be done at the time, CBT data helps by allowing you to analyze your preferred coping styles and determine whether or not you’re selecting the most adaptive strategies." [4] "[The] emphasis [is] collaboration and active participation." [3] The end goal is for the patient to become their own therapist. "This is a form of self-help, because any form of self-improvement is a form of self-help. But there aren’t any shortcuts or magic. The CBT process can be quite difficult; it takes practice and commitment." [3]

The Plan

Over the past few years, I've had reoccurring bouts with mild depression. I never saw anyone, so that is a self diagnoses. My learning and preparation has been geared toward mild depression. For anyone using this as a guide or starting point, what I made could easily be adapted to treat other mental health issues. The Self Help Pamphlets I found are especially useful in providing quick and specific information for many of the most common mental health issues.

My plan is to focus on behavior. My plan and the preparation for my plan are actions/behaviors I take. The reading, writing, and discussing are all behaviors. These behaviors will affect my thoughts and emotions and hopefully improve my mental health. All this started from learning and identifying cognitive distortions, so part of my focus will be changing and improving my cognitive distortions.

I didn't make a final workbook, but here is my rough draft. As of now, I'm happy with my focus on talking to friends and family more often.

Writing is an activity I enjoy, and discussing my reflections with friends or family will add social interactions that I have ignored more since moving to the east coast. Both of these aspects could be beneficial in themselves. Those are behaviors I hope to take that will influence my emotions and thoughts. Hopefully all this starts and keeps a positive feedback loop with my thinking, emotions, and behavior.

Free Resources

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) Skills Workbook (pdf)
Feeling Good Podcast (podcast)
Self Help Pamphlets for varying mental health issues

References

1. Feeling Good (book)
2. Retrain Your Brain: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in 7 Weeks: A Workbook for Managing Depression and Anxiety (book)
3. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Techniques for Retraining Your Brain (audio lectures, The Great Courses)
4. Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond (book)

Read or Listen to The Coddling of the American Mind

I really liked and strongly recommend The Coddling of the American Mind to everyone. If you're not interested in the entire book, it started off as an article in the Atlantic with the same title. It continues now as a website with a similar title, https://www.thecoddling.com/.

Below is an audio version of The Atlantic article to give a taste of the ideas. The website has a lot to offer too.

TheAtlantic · The Coddling of the American Mind - The Atlantic - Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt

Conflict of Visions: Constrained vs Unconstrained

 “From the fact that people are very different it follows that, if we treat them equally, the result must be inequality in their actual position, and that the only way to place them in an equal position would be to treat them differently. Equality before the law and material equality are therefore not only different but are in conflict with each other; and we can achieve either one or the other, but not both at the same time”
― Friedrich August von Hayek, The Constitution Of Liberty

I like Tolstoy's idea again:

"The struggle between the old views and the new was long and stubbornly fought out... In the one case as in the other, on both sides the struggle provokes passion and stifles truth. On the one hand there is fear and regret for the loss of the whole edifice constructed through the ages, on the other is the passion for destruction."

I'm about 40% into Conflicts of Vision. I've only listened, and it's a tough listen. So I'm going to revisit in print form.

But the implication that conservatives are constrained and liberals are unconstrained seems absurd and a great use of selection bias. There are plenty of liberals considering unintended consequences. And conservatives get a giant pass for following tradition blindly. That's not constrained thinking. He is really just saying idealist are naive and or dumb which I'd agree. I was both when I was an idealist.

I think the distinction in visions is great.

That's my response until i revisit it.

Another quote:

"Whatever its mechanisms or details, social justice has been the dominant theme of the unconstrained vision... Like other forms of justice, it is conceived as a result rather than a process. But while the imperative of social justice pervades the unconstrained vision, it is virtually non-existent in the constrained vision. Social thinkers in the tradition of the constrained vision deal with issues of income distribution as a process, and consider its humane aspects as well as efficiency issues, but there is no implication that one income distribution result is more just than another. F. A. Hayek... [characterizes] social justice... as "absurd," a "mirage," "a hollow incantation," "a quasi-religious superstition," and a concept that "does not belong to the category of error but to that of nonsense."...

The concept of social justice thus represents the extremes of the conflict of visions- an idea of the highest importance in one vision and beneath contempt in the other."

UFOs for Dummies

I was recently sent an FBI file as evidence that UFOs are real and suggestive that aliens/life forms from another planet have visited Earth. You can click on the link to see for yourself. It is a real document from the FBI. Of course it's not readable which adds to the conspiracy.

UFOs are real. There are flying objects that people cannot identify, making those flying objects unidentified. You cannot prove that Aliens have or haven't visited Earth. And if you think the government is lying or covering up a conspiracy, then there is no way to falsify that belief. But if you are skeptical, logical, and scientific, you will agree that there isn't any reliable evidence that other lifeforms have visited Earth using a flying object during human's recorded history.

I don't want to spend too much time on this because I doubt the intended audience will either read it or considered the ideas.

Anyone who wants to have a serious talk about UFOs needs to consider the scientific explanations for UFOs and conspiracy theories in general.

I usually send something public intellectual skeptic Michael Shermee- he loves the topics of UFOs and conspiracy theories. He had three UFO authors on his podcast recently. Here are the episodes I would recommend. I'd watch or listen to them in the order I shared.

Intimate Alien: The Hidden Story of the UFO

The youtube video below starts ~24.5 minutes which is when the UFO discussion picks up. The guest/author is a religious scholar who was a ufologist. Dr. Halperin shares fascinating theories about Men in Black, witch hunts, and Atlantic Slave Trade's connections to UFOs.

American Cosmic: UFOs, Religion, Technology

Dr. Diana Pasulka is also a religious scholar.

They Are Already Here: UFO Culture and Why We See Saucers

The youtube video below starts at ~31 minutes which is most relevant to the FBI files, and they talk discuss it for about 15-20 minutes. The guest/author is a science journalist.