I wrote this for my girlfriend at the time on 21 October 2009. I removed her presence to focus on my ideas. Otherwise, as any reader will notice, I didn't edit or revise. I've grown a lot as a writer and thinker. Anyone viewing this blog for the first time, find a newer post!
How I live in the US
In one word “simple”. I live a really simple life. I do not go out very much, spend, or make very much money. Im really good at saving money, I have to be to be able to do the things I want. I value my time so I do not buy very much stuff. I own more clothes than anyone needs. So I really do not need anything. I have only spent about $50 in the last.
I do not like eating out. For me most times I enjoy my own cooking better. I do not really enjoy going to bars or clubs anymore. I would rather go drink beer and play beer pong at Johnny’s with friends. I do act different with my friends. My friends are not really like me though. My brother is more like I am. And Will and I are similar in many ways.
Im working with my dad. We work about 6 hours a day, and it takes 45 minutes to get to and from work. When we get home I usually run and workout, shower, cook, and chill after all that. Watch some TV, play online, or play some music.
Happiness
I'm not really sure. I know I feel it when I am with you. I really feel how happy you make when I see at the train stations. To see your smile and your causal look, this makes me very happy. To walk around town holding your hand, to lay down at night with you by my side, to kiss you, to make love to you, all these things make me feel so great. Happier than I ever thought I would be. So happy that when you leave me it hurts and I feel sick. You make me feel so happy that I am completely clueless on what I want to do in life. All I can think about is that I want to be with you. I want to learn German so I can go to school or find a job near you. Or become an English teacher so I can teach English somewhere close to you. If I could find a job and get a work visa I would go now. Or after you came to visit. All these question I have about life, our purpose, happiness, I don’t know about. I try to keep an open mind, And just do what I think is right.
I say I want to help others, and I do. But this is also difficult. I just want to help people think for themselves. So many people are so blind or are slaves to this cycle of life. All they know is what they are told. They believe whatever the media tells them with out any evidence or proof. Or they want more from life but do not know how to achieve or take advantage of possible options.
I use to feel that just being happy in life was maybe selfish. Because I could be happy very easy and without being productive. But I think true happiness is more than just doing something fun. I
If asked everyday what is happiness? And I would probably tell something different each time. Im always thinking of different ideas and thoughts. I think happiness is hard to explain or easy to explain. We learn from our parents, school, and TV. But I know many people that have these things and are still not happy. I can tell you many things that make me happy. Achievement, sports, exercise, music, comedy, friends & family, eating, being on top of a mountain, the views of nature, sunsets and rises, at the beach, outdoors, being far away from the city/people/society, helping people with anything (directions, opening a door, carrying something), making other laugh, and there is more.
I used to never understand when people would say happiness is finding the person who is perfect for you. I understand why people think that. I think about what is the purpose in life and sometimes I think maybe there is not one. I would like to think that there is.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Short Autobio
I wrote this for my girlfriend at the time on 4 October 2009. I took out the parts where I was directly speaking to her and switched the pronouns when I addressed her as you. Otherwise, as any reader will notice, I didn't edit or revise. I've grown a lot as a writer and thinker. Anyone viewing this blog for the first time, find a newer post!
Short Autobio
I dont think I remember my childhood as well as most. I do not remember learning to read, spell, or any basic skills in school. I remember some things from playing at school like fighting and playing sports. I was always really good at math and horrible at reading, spelling, and grammar. I use to stutter a lot to as a kid. I still stutter today, not as bad. I was born in San Jose, California and lived there till I was 5. Im not sure why we moved exactly, probably because of money. But then we moved to Tracy, California. This is the town my mother was raised and lived most of her life. We lived on my mom's cousins ranch. In a very poor house next to the river and tomato fields. I liked living here as a kid. But you would not believe this house. The shower had a hole that went to outside, big enough to fall into. We had a drum set in your living room. My dad was on drugs, I guess he always was but not now. My mom had to drive over a hour to work and back everyday. She worked at a bank. And my dad drove truck.
My older brother was my idol, probably Jon's too. We were always playing sports. Baseball was my favorite. We played everyday. Justin, my older brother, never lived with us. But we always wanted him to stay the night. But we had a lot of fun at this house. We use to shoot birds, throw tomatoes at each other, play sports, and video games. We always had a lot of toys too. I didnt know any better about our home because most of my dad's family lived like this too.
My fathers family is full of druggies and crazy people. But I love them a lot. They are great people, very loving. But They all grew up in poor conditions. All of my cousins have had better lives then my aunts and uncles. Maybe because there are so many messed up people in my family, this could be one reason why I want to help others. My uncle Greg died from drugs. And he was always one of my favorite people. He was so funny and awesome to be around. Same with everyone in my dads family, they are very fun.
My mom had a better life. Her family is far more normal. Just very load and always yelling. My Nana is the most caring person I have ever met. She prays for everyone, remembers everyones birthday and sends them cards, and she is always giving her money to charity and anyone else who needs it. Even now and she is an old lady with no money. My mother and aunts get so mad at her for giving her money to all these people.
Both my parents smoked cigarettes and weed when I was growing up. I always hated smoking cigarettes since I was a kid. I never really knew the difference till I was older. And my parents were always fighting. Not physically but verbally. He seemed like every morning I woke up to my parents cursing and yelling at each other. Probably because me dad was on drugs. But my dad ws such a cool dad for a little kid. He always went to yard sales and brought us home toys. He was interested in everything we were. We liked comics and my dad would go out and buy all these comics. Baseball cards, whatever it was. We always got so much stuff.
We moved to Oregon when I was about 11. My older brother had just had his first child Jacob. We use to drive up to Oregon a lot to visit. And eventually my dad got my mom to move up to Oregon. She left all her family for us to be close to my brother Justin. We did everything with Justin and his family. Then my brother Justin moved back to San Jose. And we were all alone in Oregon. We dont really have any family here. My cousin Greg and some more distant relatives. Our home in Eagle Point was far from the city. Jon and I rode the bus to and from school. After school we hung out and played sports at our house. But there were not any kids to play with. Just us two. I think I missed out on a lot of stuff like riding bikes around town. Having girl friends and little things like this being so far away. We couldnt play school sports at times because of not having rides.
I was not a good student in elementary school. But for some reason in high school I was. I had never gotten less than a B. I had really good grades and always went to class. I only drank beer once before my 18th birthday. I fell in love with running when I was 16. My friend got me to go out from Cross Country(trail running). I was not any good and I hated racing. But for some reason I loved training and running. Every race I was so nervous, because I was unsure if I would be last or not. I was on the first team because out school did not have enough runners for the lower level race. I really hated racing. But I got better each race. I was never any good though.
About this time I fell in love with running I also knew I wanted to join the military. I loved America and one of my teachers taught me to be patriotic. Once I started looking at my options I knew that the Marines was for me. It was the hardest and the best, so they say. Many people told me not to join the Marines but there was no changing my mind. My pride was to much. I had to be the best and do the hardest training. The day I finished boot camp and was officially a Marine was a very proud day for. Over the next year plus I realized that everything I was told was lies. That it is not like what people think, or was on TV. I hated it more everyday. There is no freedom and so hypocritical. There are so many stupid little rules and you find out how pointless they are.
I went to Okinawa, Japan at 19 year old. I didnt like it. I missed the states. Not home sick but just having Americans and girls around. The war in Iraq started and we did not get to come home. This sucked for us. We had all been wanting to go home and then ended up staying an extra 5 months. When the war started I was watching it on TV and wanted to be there. At the time I wanted to go fight and kill “bad guys”. When we got home, we already had orders to go to Iraq. I was excited to go there. We trained and worked a lot and 6 months later I was overseas again. I read some books there and started changing how I thought. I was lucky to not have to kill anyone or see anyone die. Some of my good friends were not that lucky. And I have seen them have problems with drinking and dealing with these things. I could go on a lot talking about the war in Iraq. Im against it and any war. I dont violence is the answer for peace.
When I came back from Okinawa I had a lot of money saved. Others were going out, drinking, and having sex with prostitutes. And I was going to the gym and chillin in my room. I read the Lance Armstrong book and this inspired half my tatoo. I loved what Lance was all about. He beat cancer, never gave up on anything, and was a bad ass. I realized I needed purpose in my life. I didnt know what but I know I needed something. I was not very educated about life or the world. I came home bought a house and went back overseas.
In Iraq I started planning what I was going to do. I was really looking forward to college. And started looking up schools. I found Oregon State University was right for me. I got back from Iraq and had a lot of money again. This time I spent a lot. I got back with $16,000. I was making about $1,600 a month. 9 months later I got out of the military. I have never been so happy. My cheeks hurt I was smiling so much. Over the next year and a half I was partying a lot and enjoying being a free man. Didnt have to shave, cut my hair, do, or go anywhere. I grew my hair out for 18 months then I cut it and got a job. The two plus years after Iraq I spent all my money partying. I did travel around the states for 6 weeks and lived on my own. But looking back I wasted a lot of money. I t was fun at the time, but I still could have had fun without spending all that money like I did.
When I was low on money I started eating cheap, stopped going out as much, and was in great shape. I really enjoyed being fit and I started falling in love with the outdoors. I was hiking, riding bikes, and changing my beliefs more. Actually there was a lot of stuff going on. I was learning about things I was interested in but knew nothing about. I was learing a lot of basic science, psychology, and philosophy. I started thinking about my impact and what I want to do in life.
I always loved sports and exercise. That is why I wanted to study exercise and sports science. But I was figuring out this was not what I wanted to do in life. Athletes got it made already, I dont want to help them. I want to help people that need it. Try to prevent people from ending up like members of my family and friends. Most of my friends back home are stuck in the societies cycle, or Im not sure how to say it. They work just to get by. I make less money then each of my friends but I do more then all of them put together. I dont waste my money on things I dont need. I try not to waste my time. I realize life is short and I got a lot I want to do.
I have only had one girl friend before. We dated for maybe 2 months, I broke up with her because she just wasnt right for me. I knew it and I told her I didnt want a girl friend. I have had a few one night stands. But I was always drunk and the next day I always felt dirty and didnt like it. I didnt care about meeting and kissing girls. But sometimes I would be so drunk and horney and hook up with someone. I never really liked it. I would panic about what if they were pregnant or if they were dirty(diseases). Finally after this one women, I decided I was not going to sleep with anyone again that I wasnt dating or knew well. When I went to Europe I was not sure if I would hook up with someone or not. I didnt carry any condoms because I didnt really want to. But it had been 2.5 years since I had sex and only kissed one drunk girl.
Then I met a special girl on a cruise ship in Norway. I really felt something strong for you that night. But felt so stupid for getting rejected for a kiss. I was thinking about her all day after she left, but wanting to forget her because I thought I would never see her again. Then I got this SMS that changed my life, it really did. Because ever since then I have not wanted to stop thinking about her. Before we ever met in Praha I was already thinking about if I fell in love with her or staying longer in Europe to be with her. Thinking about our first kiss and if/when we would have sex. I didnt know what to think but I already had very strong feeling for her. After our 12 days well, I knew I.
I really feel like she are perfect for me. I wouldnt have changed anything about her. Every second with her had been very special for me. Now Im missing her a lot. I know we will see each other soon. And it is a difficult situation between us.
If I had never met her I would probably just work with my dad until I had enough money to move down to Southern California, surf, try to teach or volunteer with kids, and wait to join the Peace Corps. Maybe not exactly that, but something close.
Jon and I are a lot a like. He is my best friend and I have spent more time with him that any other person. Jodi is great to. She has improved my brothers life a lot. But they do not have a great relationship. Jodi is really bossy and Johnny (Jon, I call him both. It depends) does not communicate well. He complains to me about certain things all the time and is always telling me he thinks there are going to break up. I dont think they will tho. But Jon wants to do a lot of things in life too. And I dont think is has gotten closer to any of them since meeting Jodi, but that is his fault. He doesn't tell Jodi what he is thinking, or at least not the stuff he tells me. And they argue a lot at time too. But they do love each other, so I dont know.
My parents... Im not sure if they even love each other. They always are fighting. My dad is very lucky to have my mom. She is perfect for him. Not to many people would put up with my dad for all these years. He is an awesome father, even as a druggie. But he could be a better husband. My mom fights and yells too. But she is not as verbally offensive. And both always have to have the last word.
I argue a lot with my parents too. But not like they do. Im really critical of everything. Even my parents, so sometimes I can not believe the way they think. Or how my dad can be such a dick to my mom after all she does. And how my mom can be such a bias person after all she does for people. I try not to argue with them. But sometimes my emotions get the best of me. This is where I really like the eastern philosophy. I use these techniques I have learned to change my behaviors and I really think it helps. I believe we are creatures of habits. And bad habits are hard to break. So preventing these habits and behaviors are important for me. Whenever I get upset with my parents and say something I shouldnt it bothers me for a while. Maybe weeks, and Im always thinking about it and practicing not to do it again.
I think maybe Im too critical of Americans sometimes. I just hate how so many people are so rude and closed minded. My family too. I think people in Europe people are more aware of not saying things that may offend others. Americans will say like “Jewish people are so...” with out even knowing or caring if anyone could be Jewish for example. Or say whatever they think. Not everyone and maybe more Europeans are too. I mainly only met travelers and did not know any native language anywhere I went. So maybe I didnt get a real feel for the people.
After a football game when my brother was driving me home home. I told him how I never noticed before how offensive out family really is. I told him, “Im always thinking what Siria would think if she was here with me now.” He told me dude, you should have told her you were an orphan and dont have any family. It was really funny, we were both laughing pretty hard. Haha. My family is good people, they just do not know how to think before they speak.
There is a lot more about me too. I could probably write about this much for each of the last 10 years of my life.
Short Autobio
I dont think I remember my childhood as well as most. I do not remember learning to read, spell, or any basic skills in school. I remember some things from playing at school like fighting and playing sports. I was always really good at math and horrible at reading, spelling, and grammar. I use to stutter a lot to as a kid. I still stutter today, not as bad. I was born in San Jose, California and lived there till I was 5. Im not sure why we moved exactly, probably because of money. But then we moved to Tracy, California. This is the town my mother was raised and lived most of her life. We lived on my mom's cousins ranch. In a very poor house next to the river and tomato fields. I liked living here as a kid. But you would not believe this house. The shower had a hole that went to outside, big enough to fall into. We had a drum set in your living room. My dad was on drugs, I guess he always was but not now. My mom had to drive over a hour to work and back everyday. She worked at a bank. And my dad drove truck.
My older brother was my idol, probably Jon's too. We were always playing sports. Baseball was my favorite. We played everyday. Justin, my older brother, never lived with us. But we always wanted him to stay the night. But we had a lot of fun at this house. We use to shoot birds, throw tomatoes at each other, play sports, and video games. We always had a lot of toys too. I didnt know any better about our home because most of my dad's family lived like this too.
My fathers family is full of druggies and crazy people. But I love them a lot. They are great people, very loving. But They all grew up in poor conditions. All of my cousins have had better lives then my aunts and uncles. Maybe because there are so many messed up people in my family, this could be one reason why I want to help others. My uncle Greg died from drugs. And he was always one of my favorite people. He was so funny and awesome to be around. Same with everyone in my dads family, they are very fun.
My mom had a better life. Her family is far more normal. Just very load and always yelling. My Nana is the most caring person I have ever met. She prays for everyone, remembers everyones birthday and sends them cards, and she is always giving her money to charity and anyone else who needs it. Even now and she is an old lady with no money. My mother and aunts get so mad at her for giving her money to all these people.
Both my parents smoked cigarettes and weed when I was growing up. I always hated smoking cigarettes since I was a kid. I never really knew the difference till I was older. And my parents were always fighting. Not physically but verbally. He seemed like every morning I woke up to my parents cursing and yelling at each other. Probably because me dad was on drugs. But my dad ws such a cool dad for a little kid. He always went to yard sales and brought us home toys. He was interested in everything we were. We liked comics and my dad would go out and buy all these comics. Baseball cards, whatever it was. We always got so much stuff.
We moved to Oregon when I was about 11. My older brother had just had his first child Jacob. We use to drive up to Oregon a lot to visit. And eventually my dad got my mom to move up to Oregon. She left all her family for us to be close to my brother Justin. We did everything with Justin and his family. Then my brother Justin moved back to San Jose. And we were all alone in Oregon. We dont really have any family here. My cousin Greg and some more distant relatives. Our home in Eagle Point was far from the city. Jon and I rode the bus to and from school. After school we hung out and played sports at our house. But there were not any kids to play with. Just us two. I think I missed out on a lot of stuff like riding bikes around town. Having girl friends and little things like this being so far away. We couldnt play school sports at times because of not having rides.
I was not a good student in elementary school. But for some reason in high school I was. I had never gotten less than a B. I had really good grades and always went to class. I only drank beer once before my 18th birthday. I fell in love with running when I was 16. My friend got me to go out from Cross Country(trail running). I was not any good and I hated racing. But for some reason I loved training and running. Every race I was so nervous, because I was unsure if I would be last or not. I was on the first team because out school did not have enough runners for the lower level race. I really hated racing. But I got better each race. I was never any good though.
About this time I fell in love with running I also knew I wanted to join the military. I loved America and one of my teachers taught me to be patriotic. Once I started looking at my options I knew that the Marines was for me. It was the hardest and the best, so they say. Many people told me not to join the Marines but there was no changing my mind. My pride was to much. I had to be the best and do the hardest training. The day I finished boot camp and was officially a Marine was a very proud day for. Over the next year plus I realized that everything I was told was lies. That it is not like what people think, or was on TV. I hated it more everyday. There is no freedom and so hypocritical. There are so many stupid little rules and you find out how pointless they are.
I went to Okinawa, Japan at 19 year old. I didnt like it. I missed the states. Not home sick but just having Americans and girls around. The war in Iraq started and we did not get to come home. This sucked for us. We had all been wanting to go home and then ended up staying an extra 5 months. When the war started I was watching it on TV and wanted to be there. At the time I wanted to go fight and kill “bad guys”. When we got home, we already had orders to go to Iraq. I was excited to go there. We trained and worked a lot and 6 months later I was overseas again. I read some books there and started changing how I thought. I was lucky to not have to kill anyone or see anyone die. Some of my good friends were not that lucky. And I have seen them have problems with drinking and dealing with these things. I could go on a lot talking about the war in Iraq. Im against it and any war. I dont violence is the answer for peace.
When I came back from Okinawa I had a lot of money saved. Others were going out, drinking, and having sex with prostitutes. And I was going to the gym and chillin in my room. I read the Lance Armstrong book and this inspired half my tatoo. I loved what Lance was all about. He beat cancer, never gave up on anything, and was a bad ass. I realized I needed purpose in my life. I didnt know what but I know I needed something. I was not very educated about life or the world. I came home bought a house and went back overseas.
In Iraq I started planning what I was going to do. I was really looking forward to college. And started looking up schools. I found Oregon State University was right for me. I got back from Iraq and had a lot of money again. This time I spent a lot. I got back with $16,000. I was making about $1,600 a month. 9 months later I got out of the military. I have never been so happy. My cheeks hurt I was smiling so much. Over the next year and a half I was partying a lot and enjoying being a free man. Didnt have to shave, cut my hair, do, or go anywhere. I grew my hair out for 18 months then I cut it and got a job. The two plus years after Iraq I spent all my money partying. I did travel around the states for 6 weeks and lived on my own. But looking back I wasted a lot of money. I t was fun at the time, but I still could have had fun without spending all that money like I did.
When I was low on money I started eating cheap, stopped going out as much, and was in great shape. I really enjoyed being fit and I started falling in love with the outdoors. I was hiking, riding bikes, and changing my beliefs more. Actually there was a lot of stuff going on. I was learning about things I was interested in but knew nothing about. I was learing a lot of basic science, psychology, and philosophy. I started thinking about my impact and what I want to do in life.
I always loved sports and exercise. That is why I wanted to study exercise and sports science. But I was figuring out this was not what I wanted to do in life. Athletes got it made already, I dont want to help them. I want to help people that need it. Try to prevent people from ending up like members of my family and friends. Most of my friends back home are stuck in the societies cycle, or Im not sure how to say it. They work just to get by. I make less money then each of my friends but I do more then all of them put together. I dont waste my money on things I dont need. I try not to waste my time. I realize life is short and I got a lot I want to do.
I have only had one girl friend before. We dated for maybe 2 months, I broke up with her because she just wasnt right for me. I knew it and I told her I didnt want a girl friend. I have had a few one night stands. But I was always drunk and the next day I always felt dirty and didnt like it. I didnt care about meeting and kissing girls. But sometimes I would be so drunk and horney and hook up with someone. I never really liked it. I would panic about what if they were pregnant or if they were dirty(diseases). Finally after this one women, I decided I was not going to sleep with anyone again that I wasnt dating or knew well. When I went to Europe I was not sure if I would hook up with someone or not. I didnt carry any condoms because I didnt really want to. But it had been 2.5 years since I had sex and only kissed one drunk girl.
Then I met a special girl on a cruise ship in Norway. I really felt something strong for you that night. But felt so stupid for getting rejected for a kiss. I was thinking about her all day after she left, but wanting to forget her because I thought I would never see her again. Then I got this SMS that changed my life, it really did. Because ever since then I have not wanted to stop thinking about her. Before we ever met in Praha I was already thinking about if I fell in love with her or staying longer in Europe to be with her. Thinking about our first kiss and if/when we would have sex. I didnt know what to think but I already had very strong feeling for her. After our 12 days well, I knew I.
I really feel like she are perfect for me. I wouldnt have changed anything about her. Every second with her had been very special for me. Now Im missing her a lot. I know we will see each other soon. And it is a difficult situation between us.
If I had never met her I would probably just work with my dad until I had enough money to move down to Southern California, surf, try to teach or volunteer with kids, and wait to join the Peace Corps. Maybe not exactly that, but something close.
Jon and I are a lot a like. He is my best friend and I have spent more time with him that any other person. Jodi is great to. She has improved my brothers life a lot. But they do not have a great relationship. Jodi is really bossy and Johnny (Jon, I call him both. It depends) does not communicate well. He complains to me about certain things all the time and is always telling me he thinks there are going to break up. I dont think they will tho. But Jon wants to do a lot of things in life too. And I dont think is has gotten closer to any of them since meeting Jodi, but that is his fault. He doesn't tell Jodi what he is thinking, or at least not the stuff he tells me. And they argue a lot at time too. But they do love each other, so I dont know.
My parents... Im not sure if they even love each other. They always are fighting. My dad is very lucky to have my mom. She is perfect for him. Not to many people would put up with my dad for all these years. He is an awesome father, even as a druggie. But he could be a better husband. My mom fights and yells too. But she is not as verbally offensive. And both always have to have the last word.
I argue a lot with my parents too. But not like they do. Im really critical of everything. Even my parents, so sometimes I can not believe the way they think. Or how my dad can be such a dick to my mom after all she does. And how my mom can be such a bias person after all she does for people. I try not to argue with them. But sometimes my emotions get the best of me. This is where I really like the eastern philosophy. I use these techniques I have learned to change my behaviors and I really think it helps. I believe we are creatures of habits. And bad habits are hard to break. So preventing these habits and behaviors are important for me. Whenever I get upset with my parents and say something I shouldnt it bothers me for a while. Maybe weeks, and Im always thinking about it and practicing not to do it again.
I think maybe Im too critical of Americans sometimes. I just hate how so many people are so rude and closed minded. My family too. I think people in Europe people are more aware of not saying things that may offend others. Americans will say like “Jewish people are so...” with out even knowing or caring if anyone could be Jewish for example. Or say whatever they think. Not everyone and maybe more Europeans are too. I mainly only met travelers and did not know any native language anywhere I went. So maybe I didnt get a real feel for the people.
After a football game when my brother was driving me home home. I told him how I never noticed before how offensive out family really is. I told him, “Im always thinking what Siria would think if she was here with me now.” He told me dude, you should have told her you were an orphan and dont have any family. It was really funny, we were both laughing pretty hard. Haha. My family is good people, they just do not know how to think before they speak.
There is a lot more about me too. I could probably write about this much for each of the last 10 years of my life.
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