This was an email in response to my friend AJ. She asked how I decided to fall in love with my partner. This was my response:
I don't think we decide who we love. If we did, why would people choose to love the same sex (when that would cause discrimination), abusive people, or anyone who leds to negativity or anxiety? Why deal with all the BS when you could choose not to? The few people I loved romantically, I didn't choose. Something initially attracted me to them, I got to know them, and my feelings grew. None of them would have been a convenient choice. None of us lived in the same location which is a huge barrier. My current partner and I have quite different beliefs and goals in life. We share enough interests and attraction to overcame to our differences, but if we could rationally choose, following logic, we might choose practicality and convenience. That would be easiest. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
From my experiences and other's anecdotes, most of what we call falling in love is lust and infatuation. We love how that person makes us feel about ourselves. At some point those feelings evolve and become something more like what most people call love and eventually unconditional love. I don't know how or if that falling in love phase can last. People, situations, and everything changes in unpredictable ways. But that's getting into another rant for another day.
