A Brief Lesson in Parenting: All You Need Is Love Minus Chronic Stress
There are only three things people need to know about parenting:
- Love your child.
- Avoid abuse.
- Avoid poverty.
Parents have a lot of control over their offsprings' environment. Most of those choices won't be very consequential. If you look at what messes kids up, it's the effects and stresses of abuse and poverty. As a parent you need to love your children; prevent them from suffering abuse; and do your best to avoid the stressors of poverty.
Fuck Parenting Advice
In case you couldn't tell, I don't value parenting advice, especially unsolicited parenting advice, especially especially unsolicited parenting advice from people without children. Parenting is not a science. There were some real experiments with raising children prior to modern ethics in research, spoiler warning, they're tragically depressing. So if and when someone suggests or gives you a parenting book, just smile, say thank you, and feel free to ignore. Parenting books are either theory based or anecdotal. Both may or may not apply to you and or your family. What worked for someone else may or not work for others.
If you personally want a certain structure, I would amend my advice. Parenting books can be useful for giving ideas. Big surprise, I found parenting books to be a waste of time.
For evidence based parenting choices, Emily Oster. I subscribe to her parenting newsletter, Parent Data. She has at least a couple books and I would recommend her if you must have a parenting book. Or if you want to learn about choices parents need to make, like drinking coffee/alcohol while pregnant/beast feeding, using formula, babies sleeping with parents. Oster is all about risk analysis and encouraging people to make the best choices for their families. Oster is an economist, so she analyzes the available data and studies it like an economist.
Feelings
Any feelings or lack of feelings are normal and fine. It's okay to not like being a parent, just love your offspring, don't abuse them, and, if possible, don't be poor.
I have a theory, untested and solely based on my experiences with myself and other fathers, that fatherhood being the greatest experience know to man is a false consensus. I'd bet many men would confide in privacy that fatherhood is less desirable than they publicly announce.
I'll admit that my opinions could very likely change. But to make a financial analogy, I'm still waiting for the return on my investment.
I could make this into a long rant itself, but whatever you're feeling or not feeling is fine. You'll love your kids and be a great parent.
The First Few Months
The first weeks were a blur. One of the only things I remember was how amazing going back to work was. I felt bad because my wife didn't have a work to go back to, but the break away from home was incredible.
Take all the help you can. We had my in-laws within an hour drive and my mother came to spend 2-3 weeks with us a couple times. Having help was the best. Even little things like cleaning the house or cooking a pot of food made everything else easier.
If you don't have family helping and or you can afford it, hire help. Help helps. If the stress is building and there are things you can outsource, hire someone to help.
Be Prepared
For the most part, babies only cry for a couple reasons. You'll figure that out real quick. But sometimes the baby will cry and nothing you do will help. That's normal and depending of the baby it will vary in frequency and duration.
I would have avoided some terrible experiences if I was mentally prepared for times when I was stressed, tired, hungry, upset about something else, etc and my daughter was having a bad fit. This will happen. It's frustrating. And frustration can easily rub off and extend the episode. Be prepared for how to handle these moments calmly and patiently. Think about how you would like to respond. Think about how you might naturally respond. Think about how you can trick yourself into doing your preferred response instead of your natural response.
The crying fits got worse for me as my daughter got older. After 2 years old, I lost my cool a few times. I do a lot better now because I'm learning from my mistakes and thinking about triggers and indicators to look for and expect. Not surprisingly, all of my worst parenting performances occurred when I was watching my child alone. Anticipate and prepare for unideal circumstances and practice handling the situations smoothly. Unideal circumstances will become a lot more regular with a child.
One morning your kid will ask for something unexpected for breakfast and you'll say no. You'll probably be running a little late for work, the dog will need to go to the bathroom, and you'll be in the middle of sending a message. Next thing you'll know, the the kid will freak out like someone is sawing their leg off with a butter knife. What do you do? That is one of many situations you can practice preparing to encounter. Another spoiler, yelling and getting visibly frustrated doesn't help the situation.
Your Parents Are The Default Parents.
Continuing with being prepared, most people learn how to parent from their parents and close relatives. I find myself parenting like my parents more than I'd prefer, not a compliment.
I find myself losing my patients like my dad, and I find myself antagonizing my whining daughter like my mom. I know both of these are poor strategies. But in the moment, I just default to my parents too often. Consider what your parents did well and poorly. You might find yourself being more like them than you expected.
Conclusion
I've already far surpassed my advice rule. Nothing ground breaking. You're going to be fine. Parenting is more exhausting than hard. I focus on the negative because the positives don't need advice. It's easy to enjoy the positives. If you want to wash my recommendations down with positives, test out my theory and ask some father in public! But the negatives can create more negativity. The negatives compound more than the positives, and many negative experiences could be minimized or prevented with mindfulness.
Top Resources
- The Data-Driven Guide to Sane Parenting (interview)
- Expecting Better: Why the Conventional Pregnancy Wisdom is Wrong - and What You Really Need to Know (book, if you must)
- Cribsheet: A Data-Driven Guide to Better, More Relaxed Parenting, from Birth to Preschool (book, if you must)
- Scientific Secrets for Raising Kids Who Thrive (college course lectures)
- The Coddling of the American Mind (book, but not on parenting)
