The Meaning of Life (Rough Rough Draft)

I take my duties as a parent and husband seriously. I could do better in both departments, especially as a husband. But these roles do not fulfill my sense of meaning. They're not enough. Maybe nothing will be enough. But I find myself struggling to find motivation and meaning between daycare drop off and pick up. There are things I want to do and most days I'm mostly productive. But I don't have the meaning and fulfillment I'd prefer. This may or may not, directly or indirectly, contribute to my sub par mental health.

I find myself envying selfishness. I know that's not good. I know selfishness isn't the answer, but when I think about my life, I don't feel the agency I'd prefer. My day to day life is monotonous. I'm constantly struggling to get a 3 year old to do something. The dog drives me crazy.

I've been thinking a lot about an email my dad sent me on 17 July 2011.

"The meaning of Life as I see it is being healthy, physically and mentally. Because if you ain't, you serve no purpose at all; then you are a burden, not an asset. When I was younger I was selfish. Everything I wanted was for me. Fame, fortune, and relationships, it was all about me. Now I look back at my life and see what a waste it was. Being selfish has no rewards. Now I realize I have too much. I probably have 2 or 3 of everything. The meaning of life in one word: "survival." I would like to think that someday I could escape all the ugliness and greed in the world. But now I just want to pass on to the people I love to stay healthy in mind and body; do not lie, steal, cheat. or cause pain to any creature. Peace and love are good words. Treat people how you want them to treat you. Do not worry about temptation, just resist it, like all negative thoughts, just resist them. Right now I kind of think the meaning of life is mowing lawns. I try to mow at least 1 acre a day when possible. It keeps me fit mentally and physically. Plus I eat healthy good food. Anyway at 65 years old, I am content to be healthy and have guitars, beer and cigarettes. I personally think I am the happiest person in the world and I have nothing.

The OldMan"

In July 2011 I was anxious and thinking a lot about the meaning of life. I didn't want regrets. I decided Fulfillment, Gratitude, Love, Righteousness, and Truth were the meaning of life (I know right). Those answers are so phony. Fulfillment isn't a meaning. It just poses the question what is fulfilling? Gratitude and love are good ideas. Righteousness and truth are nonsense, just more words to unpack to actually arrive at a meaning. Defining the meaning of life in single words is a silly task best left for insomniatic idealists.

Love and gratitude for what? The only logical answer to maximize happiness is everything. But then what stops you from being a deadbeat father ferryman like Siddhartha. Siddhartha learns to love everything, including inanimate objects like rocks, but he what does he have in the end? 

Any state could bring happiness and fulfillment with the right mindset. But as I believe with CBT, changing one's mindset is very difficult. In CBT, it starts with action.

I've wanted to be like Siddhartha since I read the book. And I've kept reading it every year since, and I always find myself wanting to be more like Siddhartha. I could be like Siddhartha with mindfulness and continuous practice of the right mindset. Still, I'm not sure that would satisfy me although I know it could if I wanted it. The real dilemma, is that I want more.

Anyone can give good advice, but following good advice is the hard part. And making decisions between options that have compounding drastically different outcomes as time passes into unknown futures.

I need to start doing something more meaningful with my time. I need to pick something and stick with it for a predetermined amount of time.

I fear I'm going to be like my dad in the since that regrets may haunt me. The past is taking more and more of my conscious mind the older I get. Now, I don't see myself not having regrets from my current life and choices.

I need some lawns to mow. I need something I can focus on that gives me a goal I can accomplish and work on daily.

I'm becoming my dad. He had this story about a guy in a room with everything he wanted and an unknown door. The guy, and my dad, were afraid to open the door, afraid to try to live. I wonder how much of me is the guy in the room afraid to open the door vs accepting my place in life.