2011 Gmail Journal Responses Unedited

These are excepts from emails that I would like to lightly revise to record my previous ideas and thinking. They were almost all sent from a 2010 Nokia using T9 typing 

31 May 2011

There is an overlapping idea of not doing and not knowing in the Tao. But im having trouble finding any true meaning from this. "When an average man hears of the Tao, he half believes it, half doubts it." i guess that can answer my question, im just an average person. Also i cant remember if the other book was but this book has a condescending feel to the readers who does not agree. Maybe its my western influence but i still think knowledge, wisdom, purpose, and actions are a good thing. I dont believe in faith or destiny, so i cant accept not doing, for anything more than being patient. The author used words like always and only, i would say, too often. I believe that is more than one way to achieve things, maybe even an unlimited number of ways in which something can be achieved. But i still like the book a lot and will take from it what i can. I have read it probably 3 times this last week, many verses over five times. Ill let you know if i want that book. Ill see what people around here have. 

19 June 2011

Why do you (people) care to find a meaning or purpose for thinking something. Maybe something that happened earlier in the day. Maybe your upset with the way your hair looks. We use hats to also protect our face and head, maybe some symbolic or figuritive meaning. Actually the hats is pretty off the wall. But i would wonder the same thing. I have noticed myself dwelling about things the past two years. Something i never did before maybe it is a result of thinking more and trying figure out things (life). But my dad is a big time dweller. How much control of your thoughts do we actually have? I like to think a lot but sometimes im not sure. I also believe that im the captain of my soul but it is more because i dont beleive in destiny or fate. Unless you count believing i control my fate. I used to believe in fate, but why? I think people want to think their life and actions matter. Is it biological or environmental. Ok this is rambling on a lot. And from your response sounds like you believe environmental. Although now after reflecting im going to go tho buddist route and say there is some middle ground and its probably both.

14 Jul

Sustainability. The more i research and learn the more i dislike the way we, people, live. It is a constant battle in my head trying to figure out the right way to live my life. And finding that happy medium. Of course i want to do good things. But i also want to enjoy and experience life to the fullest. I think education is the key and im sticking to that as my focus, for now at least. I believe one person can make a difference and educating the youth i feel has the potential to make the most good from my efforts. Educated people are more aware and can make wiser decisions.

All of the major problems i have, i can lead back to education. The way we grow food, overpopulation, discrimination, being closed minded, and materialism. The media is very good at manipulating people and many students finish school never learning to think critically. I think most people would change their ways if they truely understood why and how things impact other things.

I cant remember what all i told you. But im living without energy in my house the school has it so i can charge things there pretty much whenever. I eat more natural foods. And almost all locally grown. People have less here so everything is reused and people share tools buckets food and many other things. We have no running water here. Not even a well. And our winters are dry, its winter now. I have been scrapping by on such small amounts of water. Today it finally rained man i was so happy. We collect rain water off the roof of the school. Then when it runs out we have to pay a guy to fetch us water from the river. We dont have a paved road either. It is a 45 mile dirt road out of town. And people take car pooling to another level. So my impact on the environment is pretty small compared to back home. And i am so much more content with my life here than back home. I feel very grateful to be here and be gaining all these experiences. 

About going crazy. I had a hard time accepting that regardless of how i feel or think you cant force friends family and others to believe care or think the same. Everyone has their own beliefs experiences and perspective from life. I try to follow what i feel is "right", but i cant expect others to follow what i think, or would i want them too. They probably have not had the same experiences i have. Be patient! Youll be suprised how much people can learn and change. My parents and Jodi are perfect examples they are composting still and doing a lot of things they never would have done if i was not so weird.

Patience. I just wrote about this in my journal because the students were driving me crazy. It is alway good to remind yourselfs to be patient and grateful. Im grateful to have constant reminders here. 

15 July 2011

I actually wrote down a bunch of ideas and things to think, reflect, and discuss. There are so many things to share, hope your not in a hurry all i got is time out here. Which is great. I love writing which is a new pass time for me. But it allows us to think, reflect, and question our thoughts more. I always feel better after a good write. And i can relate with what you are saying well.   

After being here for nine months now. My views have changed some. Life here is so different and i have been reading more than i ever have. Plus the other volunteers are a bunch of people versions of us from all over America.

My first thought. MY NAME IS EARL. One of the greatest tv shows ever. You have to watch this one episode at least. Title: Robbed a stoner blind. If you nothing about the show here is the premise. Earl is this white trash dude that decides his life is crapp because of karma and that he has ever done anything good in his life. So he makes a list of everything bad he ever did and the show is about him making up for all these things. Most episodes have a great moral message, some are just silly. But check it out!

Ashlie your going to live a long and great life. And your children and going to be extremely healthy and bright people. I truely believe this. But ill wait till we are both a hundred years old to say i told you so, haha. Also be grateful that you are and your unborn child will be American. As many problems as there are with education in the US, its amazing compared to here. I think you also learned more in school than you think. You learned to read, write, learn, and be a successful student to name a few. These are skills that have helped you become the person you are today. You probably had teachers trying to teach and reach you but maybe you were not ready or just being a teenager.

Some of the problems here. Many students never learn to read and write properly. School is not free and lots of people cant afford to buy food, so how can they pay for their child to go to school. There are many problems with corruption. Paying for grades and sex for grades are two of the worst. The teachers are uneducated, irresponsible, and very authoritative. Teachers miss class all the and there are such thing as subs. Classes are packed with students and there few to no resources. Lessons are poor, there is little to no student interactions, all students cheat (even the bright ones), and expectations are ridiculous. Funding is paid by international agencies that require standards that are similar to developed European countries.The combination of these things pass students through the system and they really never learn to think, study, or learn for themselves. This is my new struggle. This is also just my perspective from my very rural site. But i think its fair to say these are also problems that the other volunteers see and face everywhere is this country. We have it great. We have the internet. Your right about not investing in our youth, our future. But things could be much worse.

Two more things for now. Things are getting better. People are becoming more and more aware. Change is not easy. Patience,

19 July 

I love to write! It is very cheap and productive therapy. I get a lot out of it. Writing emails can be the same.

I think its difficult to know what we will do in life. Things change. I want to continue to grow as a person and realize that my beliefs and  what i want can and probably will change. I always think about what is the purpose of life. What should i do? What do i want? For some reason it kinda became more clear the other night. And for trying to simplify things is allowing me to evaluate what i really want. But my American ness, wants it all! I find one word that can include (represent in my mind) all things i want into it. So i can say all i want from life is fulfillment, but really im just saying that i want everything. 

Astronomy and geology changed my point of view a lot last year. And science in general has changed my beliefs so much. But philosophy, sometimes i feel like i could actually end up going crazy.   

Im so burnt out. I didnt sleep well last night then had a long day with school and packing/getting ready to travel. I need to rest my brain now

20 Jul

Learning about how old and big the universe is crazy to imagine. It made me realize how insignificant not only my life is but life on Earth is. Most people wouldnt understand why i act and care about the things i do if they knew my beliefs. But i still do care about life on Earth. Who am i or we as humans to be so wasteful destructive. But then again maybe our race is just taking advantage of its evolutionary gift. Because all life, pending a incredible Noas Arc spaceship, shares the same faith. The sun will run out of energy and all life will be extinct. There have also been a number of instances in Earth's history that have killed 95% of life on Earth. From meteors, super volcanic blast, or the Earth freezing over. So does it really matter if it ends now because we want more stuff and luxuries? Well to me it does. I dont think im special just because i was lucky enough to be born a human in America in 1983. I love the beauty of the great outdoors. I love the views, peacefulness, and feelings of being out in nature and away from the cities. So yeah i agree with you. I just dont lose sleep over it anymore. I lose sleep over other stuff now. Life is a struggle! The fittest will survive.
 

9 Aug 2011

I just got home yesterday. Two weeks of traveling and six were long days on the road. But it was well worth it. Just what i needed or maybe didnt need. Because now i just want to hit the road and travel even more. But back to my life here with water struggles, no energy, cold bucket showers, and pooping in a hole in the ground. You know, just living the dream.

I met a Canadian on my trip and we hiked to the highest mountain in Mozambique together. He has been traveling Asia and Africa for almost a year. He dropped out of school and took off to learn about life. Its funny because i think and have thought about that same thing a lot. He has gained valuable experiences that most people will never have but what he told me he learned is that he doesn't know shit. I know exactly how he feels, out looking for something and the more you learn the more you realize that you really dont know anything. How ironic!

My perspective on life is always changing. After reading Jack London and specifically White Fang and this Paulo Coelho book the Fifth Mountain i thought about how brutal people are, were, and can be. Animals too. Then i remembered something my geology teacher said. Life is a struggle and nature is very cruel. So my current conclusion is the purpose of our lives is simple, to live. The problem is we, humans, have conscious thought and so much control and choices in our lives. The question then becomes how to choose to live my life? I also have many ideas and options on what to do next. And i know i could enjoy doing anything. I'm sure you would too. I have been making relatively short term commitments to learn more and avoid any long term commitment since i turned eighteen. What am i looking and waiting for? This older volunteer here Barbara called me an experience junkie. Pretty much nailed me on the head with that one. Maybe i am a junkie out here trying to get his fix. I want to help others but im very selfish also. Or maybe im just being patient, haha.

This phone texting email is so difficult to stay on track. Being indecisive is ok, or i think/hope it is. It allows us to question and reflect about our ideas, thoughts, and goals in life.

Happiness: this is a big question i often ask myself. What do you think happiness is? Are you happy? If your not reading anything go to the library and take a look at WHAT THE DOG SAW. I think it is a great book and full of new and different perspectives

11 August 2011

I don't know what happiness is, i want to know it and i know a lot of things that i feel are not happiness. I feel very content with my life now and where i am in life but i still feel that something is missing. I thought that that something was love and a companion but i dont know if that is it. I think there is a difference between temporary enjoyment and happiness. I feel happy watching stupid tv shows and reading Star Wars. But i wouldn't consider that happiness. And how many people do you know who really are happy. I dont know too many back home. People here, and other volunteers agree, are much happier than Americans. Even though Americans have so much more, things that are supposed to make their lives easier and more enjoyable. But people here with next to nothing appear to possess that genuine smile. I think there is something to be said about the simple life.

But life is a struggle right. Maybe even if that struggle is to own a bigger house and drive a bigger faster ridiculous car. Or am i trying to find some underlining principle for Americans greediness. I don't know. I would love to understand life better. I read a little about Zen today and it is founded on the principle of experiential wisdom. Which i agree a lot with. Although i feel i can still learn a lot from others and formal teaching. There is probably more than one way to achieve wisdom also.

So i am still looking for happiness and trying to find the way. But i'm content with my path so far.

22 Aug 2011

I try to avoid killing things as much as possible. I don't kill insects or even the rat that comes into my house and runs wild when i teach at night. I just don't think i'm special because i'm a human. I'm not a god so who am i to decide who lives and dies. I do kill the occasional mosquito, but they are full of Malaria here.

Back to happiness. I didn't mean happy all the time, as in every second of the day. Just in general, who has that genuine smile? I even think there is a difference between being content and happiness. Content i think is more being satisfied. And happiness is something more. Like the feeling you have when you're in love or just accomplished something challenging. For me hiking or running up to a peak that has a great view. That feeling is so rewarding. I think that feeling and sensations are possible to feel all the time, in general or most of the time. Like an older person who is always smiling and happy to see you and share things with you, my Uncle Johnny comes to my mind. Or Morrie from Tuesday With Morrie. I want that.

I don't feel like i'm missing out right now by not having someone. If had a companion i may not be here gaining these experiences. I just think i'm missing something that is possible to find. The reason i thought it was love, is because the one time i thought i was in love it felt so good to love someone and think that they feel the same. But i don't know, because i don't know if those feeling last. I read some research on love and some studies suggest that the
endorphins or feel good hormones released when we fall in love and have lust go away with time. We get high and then people need other commitments like marriage and children to stay together. This is the reason i'm not sure if love is what i'm missing or looking for. I think love leads many people to suffering. Why is that? Why does it hurt so much when we lose someone or cant be with someone? Is it selfishness? That is why im all about love for all! That is the love i want to attain currently. Like Siddartha, even know he is a fictional character. But that is difficult also. To love the
dirt, flies, rats, murders, and ect.

Before i get off subject much more. Happiness i also think has to be different than just feeling high. That is why i said i know a lot of things that happiness is not. Well i'll let you when i find it! But it probably won't be a model i can pass on to you or others. It's a personal search, i really believe this. Reflecting and thinking about happiness today was really productive for me. I feel pretty good right now about my quest for happiness. I actually feel that i have a better understanding than i did last week. Thanks for the conversation Ashlie. And of course im interested in your opinions and ideas. What are you going to school for now? And where? I have class soon. So enjoy your day

6 Sep 2011

The Peace Corps is a joke. It is all what you put into it. There is no direct supervision. So you can pretty much do whatever you want. It is a cultural exchange. I do not spread the American way of life and democracy. If people ask i tell them what i think and explain how there are so many different types of people that it is difficult to generalize. You should apply if you are interested. You could always change your mind for or against it. It is at least a year of processing. It has it's benefits. Health care and living expenses being the two main ones. Also in country training prior to placements. The set backs are you have to follow rules and don't pick were they send you. You're serving your country just like the ignorant military men, who i have to defend later! Haha. The purpose of the Peace Corps is not to help people or spread peace. It is to improve America's international affairs and image. But it is truely your service once you get out here. So it becomes whatever you make of it. If i had the money or skills i would have joined a different organization.

7 Sep 2011

I was just thinking about happiness and what you wrote while i was getting ready for bed. I don't think the pain scale is a good example, because i feel no physical pain right now. I would say a 0, and i feel that way normally. So why can't i with happiness? Just because someone has felt very depressed why should they settle for than happiness. The things you said about that book, having control over ourselves and not giving up, i agree with. Actually i feel strongly about these ideas, I think of Neo from the Matrix haha (am i living in a fantasy land? My favorite references are mostly fiction). So why should we give up on being happy. I think some people are happy most of the time, and carry that genuine smile most of the day. Like Siddhartha (i bet Herman Hesse believed this was possible if not felt it himself) and Morrie. Happiness is a state of mind. If you can love everything and find beauty in everything what is there not to be happy about? I'm not suggesting maintaining the happiest moment of your life at all times or escaping all sad or bad feelings but maybe being able to see past them and move on. 

My happiest moment in life, by far, was driving off base when i got out of the military. My memory is not as vivid as your story you told me. But i was so happy my cheeks hurt from the grin that couldn't be whipped from my face. Why was i so happy? Because after four years i was free. I have been just as free everyday since that moment but now i realize or believe that other things besides freedom are missing, valuable, or attainable. I hope you are not limiting yourself. You would probably agree most of our suffering and problems we create for ourselves. Dan's advice is perfect, absorb it and move on. I think we are capable of doing something similar for our happiness.  

9 Sep 2011

In Mozambique, I think talking care of your family is very important. There is high unemployment, so most people do not make money. So the people with actual jobs end up supporting a lot of people in their family, not just their immediate family either. So big families are common and students go live with there brothers, sisters, uncles, ect. Then HIV is a huge, many of my students have parents who are dead and some both. Family is really important here. But the relationships are different than ours. Children are much more obedient and have to work at home. They have a lot more responsibilities. People here in general are closed minded in the manner that they don't realize there are many ways to do something. They think there is only one way to cook rice for example. So people do not think critically very well. People love to be in charge. There are all these "chefes" (bosses) in the community and work places and people listen to them and take it serious. It is a man's world here. Many men have multiple parterns and even families. Women are not treated equally and end up having children early and never finishing school. It's very sexist here. Women are to cook clean get water and take care of the kids. They work hard around the house. The country is about a third Christian, muslim, and other. I think the religion is a way to give hope for many people here. The more rural you get the more rituals and probably other religions too. But i cant really say. The culture and people are very friendly and hospitable. To a fault. If someone has money they spend it and share with others. They do not plan for the future well. A lot of men are huge drunks, there is no concept of social drinking. Ok hope i didn't bash Mozambican's too much. People here are very nice, generous and helpful. If you read over my blog there are many examples. Ok that was a ramble.

As a former ignorant young military man, i share a lot of compassion for these men. Young men join the military at a impressionable age. For many of them college is not an option. Recruiters and the government market the pride and glory of being a solder well. Mix that with America's blind patriotism. And then they are brain washed and broken down during bootcamp. Because a good solder is obedient to orders. The troops don't know why we are there or even care. All those responses i had used with people questioning the war. Old crusty politicians that have never been to war make decisions and send our youth to go fight. Then they believe that America is the good guy and that we are fighting terrorist and "bad guys". They are trained to kill and in a culture were war movies and killing is cool. Then they go overseas and find out there are rules of engagement and they should not kill. Even though people are trying to kill them, maybe they watch their best friend die, kill an innocent child, or countless other acts. After that they come back home and feel like no one appreciates them "fighting for America" or our ideals. I was very lucky. I didn't have to shoot my gun or witness anything crazy. And i got out to go to college. But i went to college to party and have fun not to learn or because i was open minded. Learning and opening my mind was a result. Don't be so hard on the dummies that joined the military. I don't think it is that voluntary. How many rich kids and children from well educated parents join? Sorry if that is too much of a rant but it's like we only know what they tell us and they only tells us what they want us to know. And people never learn to question and really think. Even educated people hear what they want to hear. We plant these seeds in our head or they get planted somehow. Ok haha, Im done for now. I wasn't planning on such a long response. Enjoy your weekend! 

11 Oct 2011

There are many ideas running through my head. Why and how? Why do you think you are the way you are and Justin is the way he is? How much control do we actually have over the way we think and develope? I just read about the butterfly effect, im reading a book on math currently and i actually enjoy it. Anyways, "evan the tiniest alteration to the initial settings will cause the long term behavior of a sequence to change beyond recognition". The actions of a butterfly in Asia, while you read this, can "totally change" the outcome of the weather in Eagle Point years from. Crazy to think what little things in our early childhood, infant or even fetal developement could have completely changed the person we grew up to be. 

I just read Tom Sawyer last week. And now i'm craving adventure. I want to run off without telling anyone and just live in the moment. The school year is almost done here. I am ready for this break, i feel burnt out and the students are a lot worse than i am. First chance i get i'm hitting the beach to go surf.

No worries about the military. But i have a question, why is ignorance not an excuss? How can someone care about something if they don't know or understand it? I was ignorant to so many things most of my life. And i can imagine how ignorant i may appear at this moment when i look back years from now.

14 Oct 2011 Influential Quotes

"I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen" Laird Hamilton

"A true grinder. I learned how to win a little at a time. But finally i learned this, if you're too carefull your whole life can become a grind," Rounders

"All you can do is play along in life and hope sometimes you get it right" Dexter 

"Words will always retain their power. Words are for the means to meaning and for those who will listen the annunciation of truth. There is something terribly wrong with this country... If you are looking for the guilty you need only look in the mirror." V for Vendetta

"Although i can not move and i have to speak through a computer in my mind i am free." Stephen Hawkins

"Knowing others is intelligence, knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength, mastering yourself is true power." Tao Te Ching

"The master doesnt try to be powerful, thus he is truly powerful. The ordinary man keeps reaching for power, thus he never has enough." Tao Te Ching

"All things have their backs facing to the female and stand facing the male. When male and female combine, all things achieve harmony." Tao Te Ching

"Ordinary men hate solitude. But the master makes use of it, embracing his aloneness, realizing he is one with the whole universe." Tao Te Ching

"Some travel into the mountains accompanied by experienced guides who know the best and least dangerous routes by which they arrive at thier destination. Still others, inexperienced and untrusting, attemp to make thier own routes. Few of these are successful, but occasionally some by sheer will and luck and grace, do make it. Once there they become more aware than any of the others that there's no single or fixed number of routes. There are as many routes as there are individual souls." ZEN AND THE ART OF MOTORCYCLE MAINTENANCE 

"The search for happiness is a personal search and not a model we can pass on to others". Paulo Coelho The Pilgrimage.  

3 Nov 2011

In response to AJ asking about the joining the Peace Corps:

Hurry up and finish the application. Because it can take a long time to hear back. I left about a year after i finished my online app. Some people waited two years. Depends on what you want to do or where you want to go. I was willing to go anywhere and do anything. I teach English in Mozambique and i love it here. I'm very lucky because i'm learning Portuguese a language i can use after this. Also this country is full of beautiful beaches and nice people. There are many problems with AIDS, poverty, health, and corruption. But my time here has been full of great experiences. I have a lot of free time, sometimes too much. You know all those things you want to learn or read but cant find the time? Well i have time for them now. I play music and read a lot. I have been writing more, the things i was usually too busy to do.  I only teach 18 hours a week. When i applied I wanted to learn more about life, the world, and myself. So far so good. Plus i want to teach after and i'm learning a lot about teaching too. I have a blog with random stuff if you want to check it out. 

I really enjoy the downfalls. It makes me feel like more of a badass. Things like not having energy and water. The education system is horrible here so that brings challenges. Seeing people who need help and not being able to do much. Downfalls for average Americans are the food, transportation, living conditions, no AC, having to dress or art a certain way. Especially women, lots of these undeveloped countries are still sexist. Safety too, some places are not safe. Personally i have never felt unsafe once since a arrived but i'm lucky.

In general the Peace Corps is a joke. It is what you put in. There is little to no supervision. Some people are really busy others or most are really bored. Every country is probably a little different. And it would also depend on your job. But you will be thrown into a new and different place. Just express what you want from your experience. And keep getting other experience and doing volunteer work while your application processes. There are lots of people applying because of the problems finding jobs now. Please feel free to ask whatever questions you have. If you're adventurous, open minded, and whiling to live the lifestyle of an undeveloped country then this is perfect. The US tax payers will support your experiences well. Peace and do good things

31 Dec 2011

I have been traveling. I'm heading to what they say is Mozambique's most beautiful beach, Pemba. I just finished reading Sophie's World, an intro to philosophy with a story. It was ok. Actually i really liked it but the ending was weak. I think i might look into getting a philosophy degree. I have a kindle with over a thousand books and no clue what to start reading now. There are too many great books out there to read. I'm writing a character letter for one of my friends from the Marines. He was charged with two felonies. But he already has a history of problems with drinking and violence. I don't think anything i can say will help him. Two volunteers died in a car accident and three others were injured pretty bad.

I'm pondering the usual philosophical questions about life. No significant breakthroughs but i'm very grateful to be alive, healthy, and at least feel free. I might not be as free as i thought but i need to ponder that more. But i'm getting my travel and adventure fix maybe i can gain some insight from up north in Moz. Because it's about time to move on. Don't tell anyone but i'm going to look into staying another year here. I think i need more time to see Africa and learn Portuguese. 

You're becoming a big timer! That is awesome i'm proud of you. You are following your passion and i'm sure you're doing good things too. I wouldn't ask more of a person.

Do you think i'm missing out on part of life being single for almost my entire life? I feel like i am sometimes but then i also like my freedom and missing someone doesn't feel good either. I have been getting a lot of little crushes lately. I don't know why, maybe i'm desperate and trying to fill something that i might be missing. But i'm not acting on them either. Part of it could be this Peace Corps social network everybody finds out everything about everyone. At what point does patients become a cop out for not acting?  

Maybe this is where male hormones take over but your family should be happy that you have the ability to do the things you want. See, i am selfish. I cause suffering to my parents and i feel Johnny could have benefitted from me being around more in our early adulthood. Me, I cant stay and live the way people do back home. I would never be happy. Honestly i have never felt home sickness. I missed my nephews a little when i first joined the military. Other than that i have only missed one person in my life. This girl i met in Europe and thought i feel in love with. Like many guys i never showed or expressed my feelings, didn't even feel them. Then it felt awesome to have someone to love and express my feelings and thoughts with. So maybe this is why i think something is missing. I read RUIZ's FOUR AGREEMENTS, it was ok. I don't have the mastery of love on my kindle i'll try to download it. The love theme is everywhere. You're right about not needing someone. I don't want that. I want someone to share and experience life with. I have romantic dreams of traveling the world with someone i love and who wants something similar from life. But i know people and things change.

I don't think everyone should do the same things i do or think like me. I don't know what you should do either, leave your family and life in the US or buy a house and join the rat race. But fear should not make decisions in our life. Fear oppresses us. We cant be afraid to live.